Following our visit in Santa Barbara
It’s beautiful here tonight. Everything about it reminds me of you. It’s raining outside. I went for a walk in it and remembered similar scenes with you; the cold beauty. I suppose I miss you the most on nights like this because so much of our time together has been after dark. The rain transforms this place, not like GA where it augments and seems so natural. Here it changes everything, streets are unfamiliar, everything smells different, more pure somehow like is some sort of baptism washing away all the unwanted things, bringing clarity and hope of rebirth. Only to me it brings old memories I may no longer have any right to. I left campus a while ago for some reason several of the girls in class were talking about snow white. I went to starbucks and sat and watched the rain in its silent assault before succumbing to the graoning sleepless ache in the base of my skull. It’s cold here back at my house, but I’m not turning on the heater. The chill reminds me of the last time I saw you in Santa Barbara; just by chance I am wearing the same sweater.
I have moved past wondering how things would be if I had done some things different because I can’t change the past. This being the case, my feelings for you should abate somewhat. I worry about you; you simply don’t return any type of message, like you are trying to avoid resolving the conflict in your heart. If you are truly happy with your life now then that is all I could ever hope for you… but your actions say differently. If you didn’t harbor feelings for me then you would not need to avoid me.
Substituting avoiding me for actually dealing with the turmoil is going to make it that much harder to resolve when it comes down to it. I’m not going to force you to make any decision, I simply liked being able to contact you. Amy if you truly don’t want to talk to me again, you’ve got it, if you want me to be part of your life on some level, let me know. I am pretty easy to talk to.
10/25/2004
Today was awesome. The first snow of the year. It’s always one of my favorite days of the year; I’m definitely more of a winter person in that way. Seeing it fall invokes thoughts of cold winter mornings snuggled up in a warm bed with a special someone. Hot chocolate or black coffee by a fireside. Snowboarding. You have probably never been on a sleigh ride or hay ride, but it is a great experience. One I would definitely recommend if the opportunity presents itself.
The ground is white everywhere except for my footprints. The snow cover is too thin to bear my passing unmarred. I’m going to Vegas this weekend to meet my friend Mike and talk about Atlanta. We’re going out on the town afterward and I’m looking forward to it. It should be alot of fun. The snow is turning into hail now. I was out walking when it made the switch, one second thoughtful and encompassing; the next directed and painful. Painful, but not permanently damaging. It stings, but I’ll live. A perfect analogy if you ask me.
