I find myself wanting to be near emerald. Needing someone I interface well with, someone with whom I have a good time naturally, not with any feigned or forced affability. I play out scenarios in my head, little goofy things we might say or do to one another; nothing sexual, just random things. In much the same way I miss my interaction with my wife I suppose. Interaction with someone is a treasured commodity for me lately. I feel myself adrift again, this year. Lost at sea like before I met crystal. I can’t expect some angel to come and pluck me from these stormy waters again, I need to start swimming. Last night I had an amazing dream, embodying all that I need. Physical, need and fulfillment, and connection, true connection to another human being. Perhaps that’s why I am missing Emerald today, she and the girl in my dream are so similar in physicality and personality, diverging mainly at the level of physical intimacy I share with them.
Emerald is so fake at times. With more facets than a gemstone, she changes with each situation and each set of people she is with. So much smoke and mirrors I wonder when she will stop trying to be what everyone else needs, gleaning her sense of self worth and accomplishment from others nods of acknowledgement, and simply grab hold of her life. I told her something along these lines last Friday night, she didn’t take it well. When she cried to me about feeling so alone, and missing people, I challenged her to truly be alone. Go to work and then dedicate the rest of your life to yourself, I said. Spend time getting to know yourself instead of some prismatic reflection of others expectations. Don’t go out, don’t date, don’t TRY to build some life like the one you left behind. Simply take this perfectly amazing opportunity to get to know yourself again; away from the bright lights and noise. I can think of no better place to rediscover ones self than amidst the pines in the wasteland outside Santa Fe, except perhaps the mountains in the northern united states.
Sadly, I think she will not heed my admonitions, but simply pretend to by not calling me for weeks on end, then either ignoring her absence or creating some faux-feeling of whatever she thinks I expect her to feel when reconnecting with herself. I feel bad thinking this of her, but I feel much worse when I admit that this is almost a certainty.
