So now what? After so many good days, the bad ones seem blacker than I remember. I wonder if it’s the contrast, or if I’m paying for my brief respite with interest. I guess it started yesterday between an early breakfast and a late lunch. Maybe it’s other people that take my bouyant moods and hold them under, slowly letting all the air out, until it sinks back down to the dark unwashed end of the pool that the sunlight never fully permeates. I’d love to think that and remove my accountability altogether, but i have to acknowledge that we are all ultimately responsible for how we process the input we receive. Like colors taken in through our eyes and interpreted by rods and cones before being shot back along the synaptic super-highway of optic nerves to our chemical addled brains which in turn do their damndest to understand what we are seeing, sometimes the colors just don’t come through clearly, sometimes not at all and we live in greyscale; so too are the people around us, throwing out whatever comes naturally to them, it’s up to we puny mortals to deal with it in our own ways. I, apparently, am having a grand old time turning it all into poison.
I’m spitting acid like a viper, scoring the walls around me and burning helping hands with alacrity. I see every question and event throughout the day, play out in my mind, ending in the worst imaginable outcome; death, mayhem, what a mess. I hate it when my imagination gets the better of me. So here i sit avoiding work and writing to myself trying to corral the runaway herd of thought processes into something manageable. I know what color underwear the girl across from me is wearing before I ask. Not having left my windowless office for 2 hours, i know that the perfectly sunny day is now clouding over before the witless janitor decides I need to know. I’m biting when people speak to me. I’m bitter when they won’t.
My neck hurts like hell. I need to get to physical rehab for all my latest masochisms; neck, shoulder, knee. Just get started, the rest is easy. I just need to go schedule my appointments and then show up. put in the reps and you get better. no thought, no volition, just repetition. If only making my brain and heart function properly again were that easy; automaton. blech
