I am hardly qualified to answer for that insipid retard that fell for a crazy little girl one addled weekend in November those years ago, but I’ll do my best.
Experiences like that were commonplace for me in all but one respect. I had constant attention from women all around me. I never lacked for female companionship except for in the bedroom, and that was by my own choice, not theirs. At that age, I was intuitive and able to connect with people beyond reason. Doing that much E, the way my mind worked was radically different. I could read body cues and interpret people, ‘hear their thoughts’ if you want to take it that far, with almost no effort. This attracted people like crazy. I had my bad days just like anyone else, but I took it in stride. Sadly, I needed to be in close proximity to them. Had I that proximity to you during those few defining months, I know that things would have gone differently. I also believe that our situation today would be completely different; unrecognizably so, and not necessarily for the better.
I said there was something different about that instance: the fact that I wanted to be with you before I ever saw you. There was no physical attraction there, no social programming telling me I needed to have your body to satisfy some implied corporeal need. I think that we started in this fashion is the only reason I am here now. There was a connection that didn’t need physical contact, in my mind. I didn’t have to be near you or hold your image in my mind to feel close to you. It’s obvious that you didn’t feel this, but it’s not wrong… just the way you felt. The connection that lost retard had with that confused little girl has changed; deepened. It’s still desperate and slightly more complete with the knowledge of your different aspects. It’s still a little confusing at times and even our clothing keeps us too far apart, but we manage.
I think my wanting to surprise you with my plans was the major downfall in our first encounter. If you had something to work towards, something to expect, perhaps that would have kept you from chris. Perhaps not, I have no idea what was really going on behind the scenes with you then. I very apparently did not have the whole story. Maybe that little girl would have seen no challenge in a lost little puppy running to her side and turned away with disdain. I’m not entirely sure you can answer for her either. I won’t ask you to.
Now as I write this I am reminded of a Brendan francis, “People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly.� As I write this I see clearly another mistake I may have been making by again keeping my moving plans from amy. I’ll set this right when I am in Atlanta for my birthday.
I didn’t have the dedication to myself then that I do now. I didn’t understand myself or the people around me. I felt that there was something inherently flawed with me, and noone would want me. I had a lot of support in that horrible mind set. I grew up, I got past it and had even written you off. I didn’t need you or that connection to be a person.
It was lack of understanding that kept me from pursuing so many of my dreams when they were within my grasp. So many places and things I just gave up on because I lacked an external support group to motivate me to attain them. In the end it was gaining that understanding that almost kept me from you permanently. In pursuing my goals of leaving this country never to look back I was focused on myself and nothing else, I didn’t want any distractions and only dated girls that were easily managed and I wasn’t emotionally invested in on a serious level; the “I can live with you� group instead of the “I can’t live without you� girl.
I quite seriously planned on leaving for good. I’d seen this country and made a commitment to get around the world at least once in the next 3 years. Now I’m not sure I’m making that goal. Curveball. I was ok with being alone, for more reasons than I will ever tell you, but I’m willing to consider the possibility that I don’t need to be. So, it may have taken me a while, and my reasons are as varied as your excuses; but I’m here now, invested, and I’m not leaving until I am sure of this; one way or another.
Tonight, perhaps, I found my answer.
