I was jerked out of sleep by the screaming of a red eyed devil this morning. There in the darkness and stillness of the air, lacking the familiar movement of the overhead fan, I could tell that it was no living creature that cried and howled; chilling my blood. Flopping across the bed like a fish out of water, I immediately initiate the matutinal punching match with my alarm clock. Knuckles only slightly bloodied, the screeching ceases. I win… again. Or maybe not, since I am already awake. I’m hungry.
I think my clock suffered some damage in the last round. For some reason my clock is telling me that it only took me 2 minutes to shower. Perhaps it simply means I have developed superpowers overnight. Testing this theory, the food I had intended to eat for breakfast is now dripping down the walls of the kitchen and the cats. In unusually good spirits the cats don’t seem to mind at all, they simply begin licking it off of one another like they were at a Vivid Video reunion. Hoping that they will have cleaned it all up by the time I get home, I grab my keys and hit the door running. The ride to work is uneventful, punctuated by a message from the Princess; the usual brainless chatter reaches a pointed cessation when i start reading, What to say when you talk to yourself. I have recently found it extremely effective to read this book and laugh while repeating phrases like, “Oh, they’ll never know it… too late, i said… we told you” then look at someone directly in the eyes and say, “You should have listened.” Makes my day alot smoother.
At this point my lovely browser crashed and lost LOTS of essentially unimportant details, mostly concerning my work day.
In attempting to work at… well… work, I find that I have spent half the day looking at my monitor, covered with work and not actually processing any of it, my eyes simply refuse to focus on it, instead registering only a picture directly behind it involving a red and black striped shirt. I just read 20 pages of a manual and I don’t even know what the manual is about. Ok, giving up on work for the moment. Suddenly it all becomes so clear! I have developed super powers! Not anything useful like shooting spaghetti out of my fingertips, or having a laser firing cock with glowing balls, no no. I have become imbued with the power to make time travel slower than molasses in december. I have been attempting to work for like 96 hours now and the clock has only moved 6 minutes and 15 seconds. Damn my Super-Self. What a curse I have been given. Only 17 more weeks until I pick up Snow White at the airport tonight.
Fearing for my mental health if I sit and stare at the computer screen any longer I get up and head to the server room to perhaps extricate the meaning of life from the large humming metal boxes. Closing the door behind me, I nod to the nearest enclosure.
“Hi, servers,” I says.
*Huuummmmmm*
“You think so, huh? I bet you are wrong.”
*Huuummmmmm*
“What do you say we cause some mayhem?”
*Huuummmmmm*
“Just my kind of plan. Let’s go!”
The servers accompany me with their constant aural drone while i start collecting random pieces of hardware and things from around the room. It’s time for a spelling bee! After spelling out peoples names and random greetings for a while, I find myself halfway through spelling the Canadian national anthem with screws, some fiber optic cabling, and a flashlight when I realize I should be preserving these fine moments for posterity. Bits go flying every direction as I run back to my office for the camera. You may think this a little wierd, depraved or whatever, but my therapists say it is perfectly normal behavior.
These couple of days before or after I see her are always a pain. It’s hard to concentrate on anything. My schedule is completely screwed. I put O.J. on my cereal, and start brushing my teeth with BenGay… it’s really a disaster. Eventually, reality returns and I get to pretend to be the happy functional individual everyone sees, merrily stomping my way through the mudhole of Barstow and surrounding countryside.
Ok, I’ve ceased being able to concentrate on this. Maybe I’ll add more later.
