Welcome to Church!

i’m hanging out in church right now. having a grand old time. I think
my niece and I are the only people in the whole place wearing a stitch
of black clothing and it makes me feel rather out of place, like the
miscolored christmas stocking at the edge of the hearth.

my hair would be more at home on an mtv video than this church bench
and I haven’t shaved in 4 days. I’m awash amidst this sea of close
cropped, clean shaven boy scouts. Being an eagle scout myself, I
don’t see it as a bad thing… Just a little far off from where I
stand now.

my closest sibling, emily, sits next to me in her bedazzled pink
moomoo shirt, telling me about her hosiery pulled above her distended
belly button and making me feel her belly for kicks and body parts of
the prenatal boy growing therein.

i’ve spent the weekend tearing around the house and yard accompanied
by my two year old tornado of a niece in between meetings with
financial planners and near incessant brainstorming sessions with my
overactive mother. I’m constantly enriching Tori’s impressionable
young mind with the best information available. She now knows that
she is a banana, bananas say MOO, and anything too spicy for
consumption should be immediaty removed from your mouth and placed in
the nearest open purse or pocket. Building the future of america.

some friend of my mom’s works for UOP in SLC near here. He walks up
and shakes my hand like we are old friends and starts rattling off
names of coworkers like I actually care. Nice enough guy, maybe i’ll
spare his life when I rule the universe and incinerate earth. Nah.

My mom asked me this weekend if I would consider being adopted by my
stepdad. As useless as my father is, I can’t really see the point in
this so late in life. Strange request, as I am effectively my dad’s
last child with the exception of my 5 year old half brother, Jake.
That’s a pretty staggering statistic for a man who has been married 4
times and actively impregnating women for almost 40 years. what a
legacy.

Well, time to get out of here.

Laters