Something borrowed, Something Eeeewwww!

Ok, so I’m not sure what the hell I’m going to write so this may be a hell of a wierd ride today. Some topics today may include lawyers, relationships, turtle ejaculate, edibles, exercise, and floral arrangements.

Out of all the things there are in the world to be afraid of (with the exception of a deadly illness cuz let’s face it, microscopic killers are just tits up horrifying), I am most afraid of women.

Not that I am scared to talk to them. Pleasing a woman isn’t a daunting task, either. But Ye Gods, when they are angry, just run like hell. I think cliché and stereotypes are such for a reason. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Now, not that we all haven’t been snubbed at one point or another, but I have been witness to an amazing display today. A woman who was CLEARLY out of line, talking to a man whom she had cheated on and subsequently divorced and bankrupted, went through every level of the emotional spectrum in a 6 minute phone conversation. Crying, screaming, threatening, smilling, playing nice, screeching, all because this guy refused to do her a favor out of the goodness of his beaten and mangled heart. Immediately following this conversation, she proceeded to call numerous people linked to the aforementioned idiot and tell them how he had just abused her over the phone.

Dear Lord in Heaven… What just happened there?

So, in the something borrowed arena, i’m afraid today is the day when everyone borrows money from Dave. The problem being, the Bank of Dave is running a little low this week. Blech. At what point do you simply tell people to take a long walk off of a short pier?

I’m sitting in class tonight and wondering what the hell happened to this haggard old wench across the room. For three weeks she has been squawking out the MOST IDIOTIC QUESTIONS I HAVE EVER HEARD. Indeed, she has the hair of Mrs. Renee from Pee Wee’s playhouse, the clothing style of a special olympics star from the 1970′s, and the voice of a cocaine addled olympic class pole dancer from Vegas. It is impossible for this woman to articulate anything without chewing a mouthful of gravel in the process.

In my mind, I suppose that she grew up on 3 mile island after being abandoned by the circus. To survive and retain basic minerals she ate dirt and rocks, permanently ruining her vocal chords, and destroying her brain from the resultant poisoning. Imagine my delight when I found out this cataclysmic abomination runs a DAY CARE!!! Yes, this nuclear waste eating behemoth is taking care of your children. Oh how I mourn for the youth of America.

As if that weren’t enough, how about a something EEEEEEeeeewwww….. Turtle semen.

This stuff is HORRIBLE!

Velvety, in the horrific and twisted minds of Campbell’s soup corporation equates “reminiscent of blended tapioca pudding.” If you prepare this soup as recommended on the innocent looking label, you will serve it at roughly body temperature. This makes for a supremely discomforting presentation to the palette.

I cannot discourage your consumption of this (hellish and vomit inducing) product strongly enough.