If you think that a kiss is all in the lips

C’mon, you got it all wrong, man!

Sheesh. Who here understands that?! How many in the class have ever kissed someone who didn’t understand the difference between “shaking tongues” and “earth-shaking”?

*notes the raise of hands*

So, I heard the song “Denial Twist” by the White Stripes for the first time today. I really like the lyrics, as the whole song drops this homespun wisdom that you would expect to have slathered off by your hairy grandmother between showers of spittle and picking her teeth up and shoving them back in her mouth.

Watch out who you tangle with. Some people don’t know what the hell they are doing. Deliver the whole package, and if the other person isn’t receptive, don’t freak out, just do your thing.

I’ve been guilty of the Singers sin before. Telling the world what I think of someone, when it is no one’s business but my own. The internet just makes it so easy!!! I’m blaming the internet. No way could it actually be my fault!

but how true is that first line…

Anyone, and I repeat ANYONE, can take off all their clothes and shake their booty. They can rub up against you and give you that empty promise over and over. Yay for them. Sometimes that sort of vaudeville flirtation is appreciated. Wal-Mart bargain bin seduction.

Now contrast that with the crimson fire of the brush of lips from someone who controls that sexual essence! The way that a real honest to cracker jacks kiss leaves you lying on the ground 10 feet behind your smoking sneakers, wondering where the hell that freight train came from.

And when that smoke starts to clear and your vision comes back into focus, you catch a look at the face of that temptress, wreathed in smoke and wearing a crooked lusty smile, and remember… it wasn’t a train at all… and that was most DEFINITELY not all in the lips.

If only every kiss could be that way… If only every phone call could be an invitation to a casino hotel on the outskirts of civilization… If only every smirk held that promise and every door held new wonders never before seen…

Sounds a bit like Peter Pan… I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a toys r us kid…

So, I was trying to think of all the horrible ways my mouth has been abused over the years, and I came up with a few that were worthy of mention…

The Jackhammer:

This one is awesome. For sheer power, no one can match the jackhammer. Ladies have oft been quoted when complaining about this, but men are not the sole perpetrators of this form of oral abuse. This is most commonly a misconception on the part of the construction worker that simply by hammering a hole through the back of their partners skull and spinal chord they can effect sexual arousal and enjoyment. I’m a frayed knot.

The Tongue Bath:

Oh yes! This one is universal. Everyone first experienced this when they received their first puppy. That wonderful hairy monster’s sole form of expression of his affection for you was to lick every part of your face… every chance he got. Now couple a neglected child with puppies and you get a human who grows up learning that when you like someone you swab your stinky tongue all over them from ear to ear. In the extreme form, a friend of mine once had a man lick her armpit as a form of foreplay. Foreplay.

The Fish:

Oh yeah, a personal favorite. Although there are a couple variations. The most common is the goldfish kisser. They act like they are eating plankton off of your lips. Last time I checked, I ranked somewhere above the Scuba Steve lurking in the algea at the bottom of Cousin Willie’s combination meat grinder/fish tank. Most fish variants are categorized by a complete lack of tongue.

I dated a girl once, not to name any names, *cough* Trina *cough* who would not use her tongue because french kissing “is a representation of the sex act.” She would, however, kiss like a Billy big-mouth bass as long as the tongue was never involved. Kind of like a Hippo.

This misguided young woman believed that the minute a tongue passed a foreign pair of lips, my Raging Penis of Doom would ERUPT from my pants (which it often does) rip her white cotton panties from her quivering glory hole and punish fuck her until she dropped out 14 children and lived in a double wide trailer.

So, I actually want anyone who happens across this to drop down to the comments section and add in your own horror story or success story about this particularly strange arena of human interaction. What are your best or worst kiss stories. Lay em on me.