What do you want to be? I want to be a Fireman!!! I didn’t really want to be a fireman. I thought I did, but I just wanted spray shit with a hose. That’s what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be, like, a Sprayman.
Ok, enough Dane Cook.
I volunteered today with Phoenix Children’s Hospital for their water safety day. This meant that I am a couple dozen volunteers were pitted against the wits and wiles of over 1200 first graders. Daunting, if nothing else.
I’ll do my best to describe this and give you some visual reinforcement.
Ten brave souls rose from their beds this morning some time after 3 a.m. in order to clean up and make it to South-Central Phoenix and prepare a gigantic playground of learning for an army of 6 year olds.
We spent part of the morning getting everything ready for the assault, and dressing Nate up as this insane parody of a dinosaur. The pictures of him are priceless, as you can see. When he was halfway into the suit, the organizers informed us we would be having a helicopter land on our vehicles soon if we didn’t move them. As funny as it would have been to see Barney riding a motorcycle, Nate asked me to move it for him. Quite fun, actually.
Alicia was my partner in crime for the day, and hanging with her for the day was worth having to wear a pink wristband and wave pink signs around all day. When the tour guide trainer told us we could team up with friends if we wanted to, her eyes found mine and we silently nodded. Alicia and I later made the verbal promise to one another to make our little maniacs scream as much as possible throughout the day. Every chance we get.
We volunteers have a while to run around, get some calories and coffee and talk to the media. Nate spends a lot of time in front of the camera even though I am much more beautifuler; as you can see.
Nate wasn’t the only person to really shine that day though. I got to meet the former First Lady and current Misspeaking Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.
Our group of Mohicans rolls off the bus as a troop of roughly 40. That works out well, as the kid to volunteer ratio was about 20/1. We sent everyone out to our first obstacle with a screaming contest that would rather set the pace for the day and be revisited quite often.
“What’s the name of your school?”
Millennium!
“I can’t really hear you when you talk that quietly. What was it?”
Millennium!!!
“You’re going to have to speak up!!!”
MILLENIUUUUMMMM!!!!!!!!!
“Ah, ok. Then we can go now.”
Initially, we circled our troops around a pool and waited for the show to begin. Well, the other two sides of the pool waited. Alicia and I commenced inciting a riot on our side; chanting, singing, doing base8 multiplication, and histrionics. We had half the amount of kids the other ‘teams’ did and ours were twice as loud. Bless them!
After the water show, we took off to a dizzying maze of booths, bouncy castles, trivia games, and who knows what all. Of course, we made them scream the ‘Millennium’ chant again before we took off.
This was one of the easier spaces of the day, as we simply had to take the entourage to the Dust-Off point and let their teachers herd them around for a half an hour. It was at this point that it became evident that one of the Teachers was quite different than the others.
I have to make a point that none of the teachers were bad, just that one stood out. When she spoke, the students listened no matter how loud and crazy everything was. When she sat, they sat and played games quietly together. There was a warm and extremely positive energy about her than didn’t escape anyones notice. This aura she seemed to possess was mentioned to me by two other people, unsolicited, over the remainder of the day. It was enlightening to watch her. We’ll call her Lauren.
After the kids had garnered as much material wealth as they could from the booths, we hauled them off to play with fire engines and hoses. This was my favorite part of the day. As gay as this picture looks, I must assure you there was no gayness.
To really appreciate how funny this is you should go watch this clip. Audio is crucial.
http://www.youtube.com/v/KNkXG1isf7g
The kids had fun too.
After that fun, we got to wrangle the kids off to Lunch. Again with the ‘Millennium’ Cheer; again at a volume that shook the foundations of the Underworld. After the cry I called,” And what do you want?”
And at an unparalleled decibel they replied, “LUNCH!”
I am having problems embedding Youtube videos here, so click this link and watch the march. It’s a video of the troop marching along shouting “We Want Lunch!” over and over. Awesome. http://www.youtube.com/v/9lpNSDM2rf0
Early on in the day, I realized the importance and possible scarcity of water. I filled my backpack with water bottles and doled them out to kids and teachers alike as they were emptied. I had to refill my pack three times throughout the day, giving away my last bottle as we waited the small eternity for the bus. More on that later.Soon the kids caught on and I think they started drinking their water faster on purpose just so they could harass me for more bottles. Fine by me as I didn’t want to have any kids drop from dehydration. Looks bad on the record you know. The water frenzy increased my popularity among the 5 to 7 demographic in Phoenix should I want to run for office and resulted in many trips to the bathrooms.
After Lunch we waited for the next attraction to show up, and again, Lauren and her students played patty cake and all number of things quietly and contentedly while many other children tried to use me as a jungle gym/punching bag. A few minutes late the performers arrived and as a group we sat through a clown show with a botched magic trick and then a strange but entertaining musical rendition of every song you never wanted to hear that really made the kids summon their last vestiges of previously inexhaustible energy for dancing and singing.
As we prepared to hustle the kids back to their drop zone I made one last attempt at the ‘Millennium’ Cheer and was met by a half-hearted “Mirhenimimum” from about a third of the kids.
Alicia looked at me and said, “They’re going to sleep well tonight.”
Waiting for the bus was an ordeal. We sat in the heat for about 40 minutes while every bus this side of Azerbaijan rolled through the driveway picking up kids and leaving. The bus to pick up our little band of miscreants was the absolute last bus of the day.
That doesn’t meant this was bad; just a long wait. During which one of the students asked for my phone number so we could hang out. I respectfully declined despite repeated requests. Luckily they were too tired to do much except stand and chatter.
As volunteers we were given t-shirts, necklaces, badges, and things of this ilk to set us apart and convey positive messages to the attendees. By the time we got the kids on to the bus, I had only my shirt left as all others had been absconded with by students. My good friends Tadj and Alina among the youths to benefit from this.
I made it a point to congratulate Lauren on her management of the children and herself through the whole day, commenting on her style and energy. I think I made her day as she was absolutely glowing afterward.
It’s good to be noticed sometimes. I did something right today.
All in all, the day was a total success;
- Alicia is my hero
- No one died
- I got to drive around on Nate’s brand new motorcycle while…
- Nate looked retarded in a Barney suit
You have my eternal respect for taking on 40 5-7 year olds for a full day. *shudder* I’d probably go bonkers after 30 seconds.
btw, that photo with the hose should be blown up to poster size and pinned in some very public place. For posterity, you see. I think the future generations should be able to enjoy it as much as we do now. ;P