The last day of 2008.
This has been the worst year of my life. So far. Sitting here listening to Massenet probably makes it a little more achingly awful, but maybe that’s the way it’s always been and I’ve just been pretending.
I think about all I lost this year. Less than some, more than others. That glittering promise of fulfillment in someone else because I am too weak to be enough by myself. The Warrior Poet. Friends and loved ones. Time. Almost losing my foot and my life.
I’m praying the end of this year is the last piece of my losing streak. That somehow when the cards are turned over and I’ll break even and walk away.
But somehow nestled inside all of that awful are the tiniest broken bits of happiness. And something else; Hope isn’t the right word, but it’s the first one that comes to mind. There were moments this year that made me sing, out of tune and off key, but sing I did in those strangled hours between the misaligned days of this disastrous calendar.
So, tonight, alone in a silent house I am putting all these bits and pieces in a battered cardboard box labeled only “2008″ in black sharpie scrawled across a patch of dirty tape and placing it on the highest shelf behind a crashed helmet and old sheets where I won’t accidentally open it up again. Hoping this will forever be the lost year.
I’m with you… Here’s hoping 2009 brings us some winning streaks.
You ain’t kiddin’, sister. You deserve it.
I should have made a box.
Well, I did for part of it.
Funny, how when we talked on NYE neither of us mentioned Worse Year Ever.
I guess we probably both fucking knew.
I think that many of us wish or hope to be on top of the world and the stars be aligned and everything seem perfect, but I think if you have all that there is nowhere left to go but down I don’t ever want to experience that. Someone once told me that perfection exists if only for a matter of seconds or a moment in time, but blink and it’s gone. Self fulfillment last a life time, filled with lots of moments that become memories that you cherish and hold close and you can look back on with a smile. My wish for 2009 for all our friends and family is that we find that happy medium where work is good, home is great, and everything else just falls into place. 2008 had so much disappointment, so much pain, so much loss, for 2009 I hope I don’t sound greedy when I say, I would just like self fulfillment, self assurance, self healing, and a happy family life. I hope to have the courage to accept the things I cannot change and the will to change the things I can. It has taken a long time for me to realize as my best friend and husband said to me often, That we only have control over the things we do ourselves and everything else either works with us or against us and it’s your will and strength that determines the result or outcome…Here is to a new year filled with the strength to be satisfied with those things within our control and to having the will and understanding to deal and cope with the things we can not change or have no control over.